


Remaining Traces

by kumo_is_kumo, NoHappyEnding



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 08:39:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8837878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kumo_is_kumo/pseuds/kumo_is_kumo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding
Summary: On their fourth anniversary, Baekhyun receives a surprise from his dead boyfriend, giving him a journey that will bring back the sweet and beautiful memories and a journey that will make him realize that Chanyeol is and will always be with him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted under Asianfanfics: https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1217929/
> 
> I have always wanted to write this kind of plot for so long and when I find this prompt, all the urge to write down pain is rising up. I hope this is painful enough for you, dear prompter.
> 
> Let’s cry together. And thank you so much to the mods for every help!

 

As Baekhyun unlocks the door leading to the room he has avoided for more than a month, a strong sense of nostalgia hits him.

Nothing changes. Indeed, everything is still by the last place it was placed. The books, the CDs, the scattered clothes, and even the half drunk mineral water. Nothing changes, really.

The first step in is the hardest, because he can’t just step onto the music sheets lying on the floor. Those sheets mean so much for  _ him _ . He can’t make them dirty with his feet.

He ends up kneeling by the door frame, fingers slowly making tentative touch onto the music sheets. The papers do a sound as he lifts them up to read the writing. Those scrawny but still adorable writing, the one that only Baekhyun can read as no one else can understand what it is.

The title part is still empty. The lyrics are still vaguely written but the melody is completed.

He grips onto the four sheets of papers before slowly getting up back onto his feet and glances around the dim room.

The first step. Still so difficult for him.

Baekhyun’s eyebrows are furrowed as he looks down onto his own feet, silently ordering them to move. He needs to do this. He wants to do this.

The moment his right foot places itself onto the warm floor, he feels his knees almost buckle down.

The scent, that familiar and lovely scent is there. It’s still there. It’s still there and it’s haunting Baekhyun because it knows that Baekhyun loves that scent the most.

With a gulp, he closes his eyes as he breathes in on it. It calms him down but at the same time, making him feels so empty.

Baekhyun reopens his eyes and they immediately fall right onto the first CD a few steps away from his leg.

It’s his favorite CD. A romantic instrumental music which  _ he _ often plays while trying to put an upset-Baekhyun back into the mood. Baekhyun has always found himself giving up whatever it is bugging his mind and making him angry.

With the CD on one hand and the papers in another, Baekhyun makes his way to the bed and just one look on the crumpled blanket, his heart aches in pain. It looks like  _ he _ is still very much just awake from his sleep and now going out for a morning jog. It feels like Baekhyun is coming in to wake him up but upon finding that he is not in the bed, he can only shake his head in amusement.

So much for being brave. Baekhyun can’t even feel his chest. It feels numb.

As his hand touches the abandoned piece of clothing just hanging by the edge of the bed, Baekhyun feels his lips tremble. The clothing is  _ his _ favorite. He wears it every time he can. It’s a simple hoodie, nothing special in it and Baekhyun also always wonders what is so nice about it.  _ He _ will always say,  _ because I was wearing this when I met you for the first time _ .

He understands now.

He brings the clothing up, taking a deep sniff of the scent and Baekhyun, for once again, feels his lips tremble. The scent fills his every sense and takes his consciousness away.

It’s hard but he needs to do this. He has been avoiding for so long because he still feels so much pain in his heart, but there’s nothing he can do to stop it. 

He wonders why from all days, he chooses this day to do this. The day where Baekhyun and  _ him _ should feel the happiest, but now all Baekhyun can feel is emptiness and he is alone. This is the day when the both of them have gotten together, promising to fill every single day with happiness and love and good things. Baekhyun wonders why he chooses to pack  _ his _ things on the day of their fourth anniversary.

His fingers trace over the crumpled blanket and Baekhyun remembers on how they love to cuddle under it, sharing kisses, and exchanging tickles. The once-happy spot now looks so dull, Baekhyun can’t help but to glance away to avoid thinking about things that will make his heart aches more in pain.

  
  
  


The first thing he packs into the empty box is the books.  _ He _ loves fantasy books, he really loves them. He reads them on every time he gets to touch them, be it during his break or whenever he as much as free from whatever he does.

He has so many books. Each one of them is covered neatly with transparent plastic to avoid it from getting stain. He has always treasured them like they are his kids. Two boxes are packed with them. Baekhyun trembles as he tapes the boxes and grabs a pen, writing on the top of it with  _ His Favorite Books _ .

  
  
  


The second he is to pack are those CDs.  _ He _ also has a lot of them. From movies, dramas, to musical music and pop. It gets really hard Baekhyun because he can see  _ his _ fingerprints all over the plastic cover. It’s like, the more he touches those things, the more he will lose the traces of  _ him _ . He doesn’t want to lose him. He can’t lose him.

As the whole box is filled with the CDs, Baekhyun looks at them in sadness. It’s going to be a while since he will see them again. Just a mere sight of them makes his heart hurts.

  
  
  


The closet.

Baekhyun stands right in front of him, hands itching to open it yet they won’t even move a single muscle. Inside of the closet, there are a lot more things that will awaken his memories with  _ him _ . 

It takes Baekhyun fifteen minutes until he finally braces himself to grab onto the closet handle and opens it.

The wave of his lovely scent washes over Baekhyun and he closes his eyes, holding himself back. It’s really hard. His self is in the middle of crumbling down.

Baekhyun opens his eyes and his hand flies up to his mouth, disbelief surging through him.

There are so many clothing which belong to  _ him _ . There are t-shirts, some of them belong to him from the beginning and the others are just simply those that Baekhyun bought for him. The hoodies are the only clothing the both of them enjoy the most and seeing how his own is hanging comfortably beside  _ his _ which is way different in size compared to his makes Baekhyun chokes.

  
  
  


How should he do this? When his heart is still too reluctant to let him go?

It’s hard. He knows this will be hard. This is the hardest thing he should do. 

He refuses his mother’s offer of helping him sorting these things. He refuses Kyungsoo’s concerned eyes and offer for help. He refuses Yixing’s desperate calls to help him.

This is the only thing that he needs to do alone. There are so many things that he won’t be able to pack or throw away due to the blurred memories that will always haunt Baekhyun on every step he takes.

Is it really that wrong to just keep these things here? To just lock the room and keep everything in tact as if nothing has happened?

Is it wrong… for him to just break down because he has just lost the most important person in his life?

  
  
  


Baekhyun drops onto his knees, eyes locked onto the couple t-shirts that have bought a year ago. They are colored in warm pastel blue, the most innocent color to brag their love to the whole world, as what  _ he _ has always said. The shirts hang there, as if mocking him for being such a coward towards such items. The word of  _ Love _ written on the shirt makes Baekhyun holds a hand over his chest, gripping onto it to at least, reduce the pain.

It hurts so much. They have so much memories together and how could he throw them away when all he can see when he closes his eyes are  _ him _ ?

Baekhyun takes a deep breath, silently reminding himself that he needs to do this or he won’t be able to move on.

He looks up, trying to hold back his tears; when he sees a paper plastered on the ceiling.

It’s weird, because he doesn’t remember putting anything on it.

With confusion plaguing his mind, Baekhyun stands up back onto his feet to see the paper better. It’s apparently a music sheet, plastered upside down, and the white part holds a few words that Baekhyun is still trying to make out.

When he manages to read what is written on it, Baekhyun feels his breathe hitches and a surge of shock runs down his whole body. It’s  _ his _ handwriting. He is sure of it. No one excepts Baekhyun himself can read it.

  
  
  


_ Find my secrets in this room, baby. _

  
  
  


Secrets? What secrets? What is going on? When did he put it there? How come he has not realized it all this time? Is this a joke? Is someone trying to pull a prank on him because he is in the verge of going insane?

What secrets?

Baekhyun glances around the room, eyes wide and breathes fast. What secrets? What secrets is he saying?

He runs towards the drawer, dragging it open and finding nothing, save for a few pens and a scissor and a stack of empty post-it notes.

Right after, he bends down to see anything under the bed. Nothing other than crumpled papers.

What secrets?

What secrets are you talking about? Baekhyun asks in his mind.

He runs back to the closet, separating the thick layers of clothing into two and glancing around the closet to try and find something. At least something, just something that will keep him sane.

  
  
  


There’s a medium sized box, hidden deep under the folded jackets and jeans.

Baekhyun stops breathing, hands reaching for it.

  
  
  


_ For Baekhyunnie. _ It says.

  
  
  


With trembling fingers, Baekhyun pulls the tape locking the covers and another paper greets him right away. It turns out to be a letter.

A wave of relief and sorrow hits him as Baekhyun finds the lovely handwriting, all scrawny and messy, but still very much  _ lovely _ .

  
  
  
  
  


_ This letter is addressed for the one and only Byun Baekhyun. If any of you reading this is not Baekhyun, then you can go away! Kidding, but please give this to Baekhyun. _

_ If you are Baekhyun, then, hey baby, you have found the Pandora box! This is supposed to be the deepest secret of mine but I have decided to share this with you, when the right time comes. I think this is the right time so please, follow the rule. _

_ This is supposed to be my gift for you for our fourth anniversary. If today’s not our anniversary? Then don’t open it and wait until the due time. _

 

_ Happy anniversary, Baekhyun! My dearest puppy and my one and only sweetheart, ByunBaekhyun. _

_ I might not be with you… when you read and find this but this is the whole purpose of this gift so forgive me, baby? I prepare a whole set of surprise for you so you better follow every step, okay? Such a good boy, Baekhyun! _

_ I hope you enjoy my gift. Always remember what I tell you, Baekhyun. _

_ I love you and it’s always you. _

 

_ Love, Chanyeol. _

  
  
  
  
  


Baekhyun folds the paper neatly, back onto its first folding. This letter means so much to him. He can’t ruin it.

Funny, how the day seems to be so right. It’s as if he really is supposed to find this on the right day, on the day of their fourth anniversary.

As he opens the cover of the box wider, he is greeted with CDs with blank cover. The only information on them is numbers which seem to be date numbers.

He picks on the first CD, the one with the early date.

Baekhyun stares at the CD for a long time, tracing every corner and every nook of the plastic case, before he finally stands up and walks towards the player. It has been a while since the last he uses the TV.

The first CD is loaded and Baekhyun sits down onto the bed, hands searching for the hoodie and hugs it close to his chest.

 

The display blurs out in a grey for a few seconds, before Baekhyun holds back a sob when he sees  _ his _ face appearing on the display.

  
  
  
  
  


_ 2015 04 21 _

_ “Hey, baby! You must be surprised, don’t you? Well, this is the whole purpose of surprising you so I guess it turns out well!” _

_ He was clothed in his yellow stripped shirt, along with that purple snapback on his head. He was at a park, sitting on the bench they used to sit together on. From the look of the lighting, it was evening. The way he held onto the camera was like a professional that Baekhyun can’t help but lets out a chuckle. He has always been so good in doing self camera. _

_ “This is the first so you better be following the order, okay, Baekhyun? Don’t be such a curious puppy! Bbyong!” Chanyeol did a wink. _

  
  
  


Baekhyun gasps when the display blurs back into grey. With panicked mind, he scrambles and grabs the whole box onto the bed and grabs the next CD with trembling fingers.

  
  
  


_ 2015 04 30 _

_ The setting was in the café they loved to visit. The first sight was a cup of steaming latte, with a puppy on the foam. Then Chanyeol’s face came into view. _

_ “I’m drinking you, Baekhyun! Such a cute puppy, I don’t have the heart to drink it but oh well, it was ordered to be drunk anyway.” _

_ Slurp; the voice as he took a big sip of the drink. Baekhyun watches with a smile on his mouth, unable to take his eyes off the messy drinker. Always a cute person. _

_ Chanyeol seemed to notice the foam all over his mouth before he licked it clean, then he grinned that boyish grin of his, a complete set of white teeth and the stretch of his plump lips. _

_ “Delicious! So I’m currently waiting for that cheese cake chiffon that you have always liked! I wonder where it is—ah it’s here! The dearest chiffon!” _

_ Baekhyun sees a waiter bringing a plate of the cheese cake chiffon and without wasting any second, Chanyeol glanced back onto the camera. _

_ “I will be eating so I will see you again later, baby! Bye!” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 05 10 _

_ “Hey, Baekhyun. Guess where I am?” _

_ Then he showed the sight of the scenery of the hill that Baekhyun recognizes the most. It brings a bitter smile on his lips. _

_ “It’s out hill, Baekhyun! It has been a while since the last time we visited this place! Look at the growing grass! Damn, you should smell the scent!” _

_ The wind blew too hard, making Chanyeol laughed despite he was shivering. A few strays of hairs flew away from his head and Chanyeol sadly smiled at that. He said nothing to mention about it. _

_ “Anyway, you do know why I visit this place, don’t you, baby? Because this place is very special. And why is this place very special?” _

_ Chanyeol adjusted the camera, as he laid down onto the ground and then looked up into the device. _

_ “Because this is the place we first met. You might know this already but I will say it again and again. At that day, I found you very beautiful, Baekhyun. You were staring off at the scenery and I couldn’t help but to admire you rather than the scenery. Not that you are not beautiful now, but our first meeting had such a great impact on me.” _

_ He showed the blue sky again, “Won’t you look at that, baby? It’s so beautiful and calming here.” _

_ “I can just stay here forever.” _

_ Baekhyun nods, chuckling as the first drop of tears rolls down onto his cheek.  _

_ Chanyeol looked into the camera, smiling so gently, “I’m going to enjoy the silence now, baby. See you later.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 05 17 _

_ “Psst, baby,” Chanyeol whispered into the camera, a hand beside his mouth and Baekhyun breaks into a soft laugh at his face, ignoring the rolling of his tears. _

_ Chanyeol was in his office room, wide eyes glancing left and right. _

_ “My boss has just stepped out! I’m such a brave man, don’t you think so? Doing this in my working hour?” _

_ Baekhyun shakes his head, chuckling again. _

_ Chanyeol grinned; as if he knew what kind of answer Baekhyun would be giving him. _

_ “You said you wanted to see my paper works. So here I am, showing you about them! I doubt you can understand them anyway, both you and I know that you are not a fast learner, baby. Admit it. Stop denying an obvious fact.” _

_ Baekhyun sends the TV display an amused glare, unable to deny that he is indeed a bit slow. _

_ “I work with numbers like this, baby. Auditing is like this. I wonder too why I chose auditing as my major but let’s not dwell on the past and just make more money so I can buy you your precious eyeliner sticks again and again!” _

_ Then Chanyeol hissed under his breath before whispering again, “My boss is coming back! Talk to you later, baby! Bye!” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 05 25 _

_ Chanyeol came grinning into the camera, the angle was a bit off and his face was so big.  _

_ “Won’t you see yourself, Byun Baekhyun?” He said into the camera, before angling his wrist so the device could catch the sight of an excited male whom Baekhyun realizes as himself. He remembers that day. It was the day where Chanyeol had suddenly taken a day off to have a date with him. _

_ “You are an overly excited puppy, Baekhyun-ah.” Chanyeol laughed. _

_ Baekhyun smiles, feeling a bit embarrassed for acting like a child when he is so old already. _

_ Chanyeol sighed fondly while watching him glancing around the amusement park excitedly. _

_ “You are such sunshine, Baekhyun. You are my sun. Remember that.” _

_ He opened his mouth to say something else to the camera but stopped when he felt a trail of liquid on his upper lip. With a not so surprised glance, Chanyeol chuckled lowly. _

_ “Ah.” He muttered, quickly grabbing a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe the blood off. _

_ “This is… nothing, so don’t worry your cute little head, okay?” _

_ “Chanyeol, what are you doing talking to yourself? Come here quickly!” Baekhyun hears his own voice calling. _

_ Chanyeol chuckled, “I’m coming!” He shouted, before murmuring onto the camera again, “Always so impatient, my little puppy.” _

_ How come he has never seen the symptoms? Baekhyun chokes, fisting the front of his shirt as he watches Chanyeol’s back getting further. _

  
  
  


_ 2015 06 02 _

_ It was dark. And the setting of the background was so similar to their room. Baekhyun then realizes that it was this room. _

_ The camera fell a bit before Chanyeol grabbed it back with a panicked yelp. Baekhyun chuckles. _

_ “Hey, Baekhyun. You are now watching your own self sleeping. Won’t you look at yourself, such soft skin, such a baby.” _

_ Baekhyun lets out a bitter smile as he sees his bare shoulder peeking from under the blanket. Chanyeol made a quick move to cover him. _

_ “I claim my territory well, don’t you think so?” Chanyeol said smugly as he traced over the bite mark on the skin. _

_ “You must be very tired if you are not even disturbed by my low speaking voice like this, baby. I’m sorry for tiring you, but you are just so hard to resist.” He said, running his fingers over the messy locks. _

_ He then leaned down, pressing a soft kiss on his forehead. _

_ “I love you, baby. Sleep tight.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 06 04 _

_ Chanyeol’s grinning face came into the camera and Baekhyun finds himself grinning as well. That contagious smile. _

_ “There are so many people right here,” Chanyeol announced to the camera, voice trying so hard to beat the buzzing crowd of chattering. _

_ “And it’s your birthday, Baekhyun!” _

_ Another cheer came from the crown behind. Baekhyun watches as Chanyeol greeted a few of their friends with a grin, doing a weird hand shake with some others, before turning back to the camera. _

_ “This is the moment where you should be the happiest, Baekhyun. All I want you to have in your life is happiness because you deserve it. You deserve every good thing in the whole world, love.” _

_ Baekhyun sees his own self appearing beside Chanyeol in the video, pecking his cheek. _

_ “What are you doing here? The guests are coming!” _

_ “Oh, hey, baby. I’m just-” _

_ “Are you recording yourself, Chanyeol? I have never known you are such narcissist.” He had snickered. _

_ “Hey,” Chanyeol pouted, “this is for the memories.” _

_ “Alright, alright! Record all you want but don’t forget that you have promised to grill the meat!” _

_ Chanyeol laughed. “Of course. Anything for my baby.” _

_ Baekhyun huffed but a smile was playing on his lips. He leaned close to kiss Chanyeol on his cheek before sprinting away to welcome the upcoming guests by the door. _

_ Chanyeol’s wide smile dropped before he glanced back at the camera again. _

_ “Hey, Baekhyun. Happy birthday. I know it’s only a simple congratulating sentence but I really do hope you have a happy birthday. I love you so much, baby.” _

_ Baekhyun feels his tears trail down to his chin as he stares at the black circles all around Chanyeol’s eyes. Isn’t he the worst boyfriend ever to never notice his suffer? _

  
  
  


_ 2015 06 10 _

_ “Hello, Baekhyun. I am trying to paint again. Which is a try of failure.” _

_ Chanyeol laughed softly. _

_ He lifted a sketchbook up to show the painting he had done; while the bruise on his wrist took over the spotlight. _

_ “Ah. You must be staring at this.” Chanyeol spoke solemnly. _

_ He traced his fingers over the bruise after putting down the sketchbook. _

_ “I almost dropped a glass this morning. Out of instinct, I hit my wrist onto the counter. The bruise is ugly, I know. I just don’t know why it is so purplish like this.” _

_ He smiled. _

_ “Anyway, back to the painting!” _

_ He lifted back the sketchbook and he showed a painting of scenery. It was their hill and there were two puppies playing around. _

_ It was not something such as failure. It was indeed beautiful. So, so beautiful. _

_ Baekhyun smiled in sadness. _

_ He has always said that Chanyeol can’t paint for his own good but he is so talented and artistic.  _

_ He can’t help but to think that the two puppies are the both of them. _

  
  
  


_ 2015 06 28 _

_ The camera showed the sight of Chanyeol sitting on a chair. He said nothing and he didn’t even smile. _

_ “Hey, love.” He spoke. _

_ Baekhyun feels his heart wrenches. _

_ “These few days... I feel really tired.” _

_ His heart twists. _

_ “And I really want to rest. But whenever I see your smile, I feel like all my exhaustion drifts away and my whole concentration is on you.” _

_ His heart cries. _

_ “You are my sun, Baekhyun. You are such the source of my happiness.” _

_ His heart bleeds. _

_ “I love you. And it’s always you.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 07 05 _

_ Chanyeol stares into the camera with tired eyes. _

_ Baekhyun feels such failure as a boyfriend to not being able to realize how thin he was, how tired he was, how thin his hair had become, how thick the bags under his eyes, how pale his plump lips were. _

_ “I know what kind of look you are giving me, baby. I know you. I just know you.” _

_ Baekhyun sobs. _

_ “Just know that this is not your fault. Nothing is your fault.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled. _

_ “These days, you are so busy. You have expanded that shop you are having with Kyungsoo and let me tell you that I’m proud of you. I’m so proud of you, my love.” _

_ Such the worst boyfriend, isn’t he? _

_ “You are so tired, baby. Please take care of yourself. Don’t forget to have your meal. Drink lots of water. Take your vitamins. And sleep enough.” _

_ Worrying him when he was that pale, that thin? _

_ Baekhyun chokes, chest twisting and breathe ragged. It hurts so much. It hurts when he realizes how ignorant he is. He is not a good boyfriend. He is never a boyfriend to Chanyeol. _

_ “I love you, sunshine.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 07 31 _

_ “Hey, baby. Don’t fret over how I look.” Chanyeol said, smiling into the camera. _

_ Baekhyun sobs as he stares at the dark circles under Chanyeol’s eyes. _

_ “Summer is finally ending soon. We have been spending summer every year together. I wonder how does it feel to spend it alone. Don’t you wonder is as well, baby?” _

_ Baekhyun shakes his head no, because no, he has never wondered about it. He doesn’t even think the possibility of spending his life alone. _

_ “I want you to try spending it alone, Baekhyun. Try to see the world, don’t be cooped up in the house.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled, the smile was so grin as if he was okay. As if nothing mattered. As if everything was perfect. When in fact, it was not. _

_ “You are the sunshine of the world, Baekhyun. When you hide, the world goes dark.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 08 05 _

_ “Baek-” _

_ “Chanyeol, what are you doing?” _

_ “Hey, baby.” _

_ “Are you recording again?” _

_ Chanyeol smiled. _

_ “Yeah. For memories.” _

_ “You are going to run out of your memory card if you keep doing that.” Baekhyun in the recording had huffed but then he joined him and together they stared into the camera. _

_ “I guess you are joining me in today’s recording then,” Chanyeol laughed, watching the cuddling Baekhyun on his shoulder fondly. _

_ “I guess so. What is the theme anyway?” _

_ “I have never had any specific theme. It just goes with an impromptu idea.” _

_ Baekhyun had hummed, before intertwining their fingers loosely. Chanyeol tightened their fingers. _

_ “What about you tell me how was your day?” _

_ “Okay. So, there was this customer looking for a special paper and Kyungsoo was on the edge of pulling his hair off. The old man kept insisting that there was that kind of paper.” _

_ Baekhyun had laughed. Chanyeol silently watched the side of his face while listening. _

_ “How about you? What did you do?” _

_ “I was trying my best to calm Kyungsoo down before he blew up. The old man ended up walking out of the shop while cursing. It was so funny!” _

_ “Good job, baby. I’m so proud of you.” _

_ Baekhyun had looked at him with a cheeky smile. _

_ “You do?” _

_ “I really do.” _

_ “Where is my good job kiss?” _

_ Chanyeol laughed softly before gently pulling the other close. He thumbed over his cheek, before going up to tenderly trace his fingers over his droopy eyes. _

_ “Close your eyes.” _

_ Baekhyun had immediately obeyed, waiting silently. _

_ Chanyeol stared at his face, his gaze so tender yet full of sadness. He let out a somber smile before cupping his cheeks. Then he pressed a very soft kiss on his mouth. Baekhyun had smiled on the softest touch. _

_ “What did you eat?” He asked. _

_ Chanyeol shrugged, “Don’t remember.” _

_ “Your lips taste so sweet, Chanyeol.” _

_ “Is that a pick up line?” _

_ “No, ugh. Whatever.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled before whispering, “You are the sweetest, Baekhyun.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 08 17 _

_ “Today,” Chanyeol started with a slow drag of his voice, “I feel very tired.” _

_ Baekhyun feels his heart is squeezed. _

_ “I fainted this morning. You thought I was sleeping, baby, I’m sorry and thankful at the same time that you were oblivious at that.” _

_ Chanyeol fiddled with his fingers, gaze down. _

_ “I... I love you, Baekhyun. I want to make you very happy because you deserve that happiness.” _

_ He smiled. _

  
  
  


_ 2015 08 29 _

_ “Look at yourself, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol muttered into the camera as he held it straight forward. _

_ Baekhyun can see himself laughing happily while playing with the water. _

_ “You have wanted to go to the beach for so long. I’m sorry that I always say that I’m busy.” Chanyeol’s voice muttered again. _

_ “I just... I just can’t go out for too long, baby.” _

_ Baekhyun squeezes his chest, gasping for air as he watches the image of his laughing, playing with the water while listening Chanyeol’s pained voice. _

_ “I feel better today so you do not have to worry. I’m capable of coming here with you now so you really just have to enjoy yourself to your heart’s content.” _

_ Baekhyun chokes on his tears, unable to imagine how Chanyeol was feeling at that time. _

_ “Seeing you smile, watching you play like a kid, listening to your laugh, and simply just looking at you being happy like this... It’s enough for me, Baekhyun.” _

_ “Chanyeol, won’t you join me here?!” _

_ “You have fun, baby. I will watch your bag here.” He shouted, giving him a smile. _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 09 _

_ “You asked me whether I was okay yesterday, Baekhyun.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled, pushing the camera a bit further before lying a top of his folded arms against the table. He closed his eyes and smiled softly. _

_ “And I told you that I was okay. I am not.” _

_ He dropped the smile as he opened his eyes, staring closely into the camera.  _

_ “I am not okay, Baekhyun. But I don’t want you to know that.” _

_ He closed his eyes again, smiling tiredly. _

_ “You are too precious to me.” _

_ “Chanyeol? What are you doing alone there?” _

_ “Hey, I am doing the usual.” Chanyeol enveloped him in a side hug, keeping him close. _

_ “Recording again? You should really start being a movie director then,” Baekhyun hears himself joked. _

_ “It’s too late, baby.” _

_ “Nothing is too late to do what makes you happy, Chanyeol.” _

_ “I give up. I can never win against you.” _

_ Baekhyun had laughed at him, before stopping to hold onto Chanyeol’s face. _

_ “Are you feeling alright? You look so tired, Chanyeol.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled, “I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” _

_ “How can I not worry about you, silly?” _

_ “Just smile at me. I will feel way better.” _

_ “Eww, so cheesy, Chanyeol,” he had laughed. _

_ “Only for you, baby. Only for you.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 12 _

_ Chanyeol waved into the camera. _

_ “Look at this, baby. I’m currently writing a new song for you. I don’t have any title yet but I hope I can come up with it... very quickly.” _

_ He tapped his pencil against the music sheets. _

_ “The lyrics are cheesy, my forte. I am not sure whether you will laugh or cry in happiness when I show this to you later but just know that this is what I feel when you are around. This is what you make me feel.” _

_ He showed the scrawny writing, along with messy scratches here and there. Baekhyun laughs in between his tears at the appearance of the messy papers. _

_ “You are so going to laugh at me.” Chanyeol grumbled into the camera, as he was trying to find an eraser so he could erase the mistakes. _

_ “It was so hard to create touching words and poetic sentences. I want to amaze you, Baekhyun. Do not dare to laugh, you big puppy.” He said in amusement. _

_ Baekhyun snorts painfully. _

_ “I really hope,” Chanyeol started again, “really, really hope that you will love this.” _

_ He smiled. _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 14 _

_ “You are currently out with Kyungsoo, baby.” Chanyeol said, as he appeared into the camera with an apron on him. _

_ Baekhyun laughs silently, tears blurring his eyes. _

_ “So I made you my specialty. You already know what it is. I don’t have to tell you.” _

_ Baekhyun sees a big plate full of sausage pieces and bell peppers and onion cuts. Such his specialty. Even though it was just a simple dish, no one can make it better than him. _

_ “I want you to enj- wait.” Chanyeol held his head up, a hand over his nose. _

_ “D-Don’t worry, baby,” he whispered, his other hand grabbing a few sheets of tissues to wipe his bleeding nose. _

_ “I will never contaminate the food.” He joked. _

_ Baekhyun cries as he listens to the joke. _

_ Chanyeol sniffed and he chuckled bitterly when the white layers of tissues were now red. He shrugged, putting them aside. _

_ “This... happens a lot these days so I guess... it’s normal?” _

_ Baekhyun shakes his head, mouthing a ‘no’. _

_ “Anyway,” Chanyeol started again, “I will keep this warm. I think I feel really tired now. I will just rest. Bye. Baby.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 15 _

_ “Hey, it’s your dorky Chanyeol again.” _

_ Chanyeol made a gesture of salute while rearranging the beanie on top of his head. _

_ “Today is just a review on what I have been doing for the whole day. Hmm... Let’s see.” _

_ He tapped his bottom lip while thinking. _

_ “I woke up with you cuddling on my shoulder. It was a sight to see. You kept denying what I said about you being a puppy but I’m serious,” he laughed. _

_ “And then I waited for you to wake up. It was one of the things I really love to do because you were so beautiful. You are beautiful, baby. Trust me on this one, won’t you?” _

_ He seemed to be staring off into space before he finally stared solemnly into the camera. There were a lot shown in his eyes. It was like he had so many things to say but he couldn’t. _

_ “You would have the creases on your temple. I would smooth them down until they no longer decorated your skin. Then you would squeeze your nose, it was so adorable.” _

_ He chuckled, then smiling gently. _

_ “Very slowly, your eyelashes would flutter before you would open your eyes. That moment was the most beautiful because you looked so disoriented and you had no clue on where you were. It was the moment I found to be the most special, because that moment was the time when you had no cover to hide yourself. You were you and you had no walls guarding you.” _

_ Chanyeol held his chin with his fist, elbow against the table. _

_ “You hide yourself a lot, Baekhyun. You hide your true self. I don’t want you to hide anymore. You are beautiful.” _

_ He smiled, “You are beautiful.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 16 _

_ The strumming of guitar was heard. Chanyeol looked up from strumming the strings and he smiled into the camera. _

_ “Hey, baby.” _

_ Then he strummed his guitar again. _

_ “I have showed you the newest song I made, so I think it’s only fair that I let you listen to it.” _

_ He picked up the music sheets and arranged them on top of the bed. With a few taps against the body of the guitar, he starts strumming the melody. _

_ Baekhyun lets out a bitter smile. _

_ “This is…” Chanyeol muttered while strumming the melody, “this is the best song that I have ever created. That’s my opinion though, you can have a different thought, baby, I won’t mind.” _

_ Baekhyun laughs. _

_ “My voice is not as goods yours, but I hope you can tolerate to it.” Chanyeol smiled shyly. _

_ He opened his mouth and started singing in a small voice, before gradually it became louder and he finally sang with his all. There was a smile on his mouth, he closed his eyes, his fingers continued to strum the melodies to accompany his singing. _

_ Right at that moment, Baekhyun finds himself choking on his tears while crying. There’s no other moment in his life that he has laughed while crying like this. _

_ Chanyeol looked so peaceful and beautiful.  _

_ Baekhyun feels so lucky to have found someone like him in his life. _

_ “How was it?” Chanyeol asked, a shy smile playing on his lips as he looked into the camera. _

_ “I just hope that it suits your style. You are free to do some correction if you deem fit, baby.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled and waved to the camera. _

_ “Bye.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 18 _

_ Chanyeol coughed before smiling to the camera. _

_ “You must be wondering,” he started with hoarse voice, “why I could do this for days in row now.” _

_ He chuckled, scratching his head, only to stop when a few of his hairs fell. _

_ Baekhyun cries as he locks his eyes on it. _

_ “You asked me how I didn’t get ready for my work. And I told you that I got a few weeks off from my boss because I’m such a great worker.” _

_ Chanyeol covered the fallen hair with his hand. _

_ “You didn’t believe me at first. Of course, who would believe that kind of reason?” _

_ He chuckled, before continuing. _

_ “But I guess you are still so slow, baby. You should be careful or you will be an easy target to defy.” _

_ Baekhyun cracks a smile. _

_ “I resign.” _

_ His heart falls. _

_ “I don’t see the use of working for any longer when… it won’t take too long before… that.” _

_ His heart hurts; Baekhyun doesn’t know what to do. _

_ “On one side, I feel so useless because now I’m practically jobless,” he laughed, “and you are working your best to expand your shop. But Baekhyun,” he muttered lowly, before a sniff escaped from him. _

_ He looked up into the camera, eyes red and teary. _

_ “I’m tired. I have been so tired, I get more tired as days pass by.” _

_ “I sometime wish that I can rest for such a long time. It’s really tiring to keep up with such fast paced life, but then I get reminded of you, your face, your smile, your laugh, your voice. I can’t simply forget you that easily.” _

_ “I have to keep up… until it’s time to stop everything.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 21 _

_ Chanyeol sat on the bed, looking tired and the room was dark. _

_ He looked up slowly. _

_ “Baekhyun, I…” He stopped. _

_ “I don’t want to lie to you.” _

_ “But I also don’t want to lose you. The real you.” _

_ “I’m just… so tired with everything.” _

_ He sighed. _

_ “You become cautious. You ask me every time you see me lounging around with nothing to do. You think I was fired,” he laughed weakly. _

_ “But I was not. I kept convincing you that I was just on a break for a few weeks and that my boss was the best boss ever in the whole world.” _

_ He laughed dryly. _

_ “You are slow, Baekhyun, but you think too much. Please don’t do that. Thinking is my part.” _

_ Chanyeol hummed, nodding his head at what he had just said, and then chuckling humorlessly. _

_ He looked up. _

_ “I love you.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 23 _

_ “Hello, Baekh- damn it, I forgot my beanie.” _

_ Chanyeol looked sheepishly into the camera yet his eyes said everything. _

_ His hair had gotten so thin. His eyes looked dim and tired. He simply looked unhealthy. _

_ He still had the nerve to smile. _

_ Baekhyun sobs. _

_ “From today onwards, I’m going to do this every day, until… that.” _

_ He hummed, seeming to search what to say. Eyes glancing here and there. _

_ “Kyungsoo had called me just now.” _

_ He rubbed his hands together, seeming to be so cold despite the seemingly thick layers of jackets on him. _

_ “He told me on how you were so worried about me. He told me to ‘get my shits together’. That was how he told me. His language, not mine.” _

_ Chanyeol laughed, before he was coughing weakly. Despite the painful sounds, he kept a smile to the camera. _

_ “Like what I have always said, Baekhyun. Do not worry your cute little head about me. I can take care of myself.” _

_ He smiled. Then he waved to the camera. _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 24 _

_ Chanyeol was lying sideways on the bed, staring sleepily into the camera. The sounds of washing machine were wheezing from the other room. _

_ “Actually,” he started out softly, and then he stayed silent for a while, closing his eyes. He was so calm and peaceful as if he had fallen asleep. _

_ “Actually, I,” he repeated, “I have ran out of what to show you.” _

_ He slowly opened his eyes, “You know everything about me, Baekhyun. My trait, be it bad or good, you know everything. My habits, you have them all memorized in your head.” _

_ Chanyeol sniffed; there were tears in his eyes. He reached out a hand, thin and pale fingers trying to gingerly touch the rim of the camera. _

_ “But I don’t want to waste anymore time. I can’t turn it back, I have lost so much.” _

_ He closes his eyes; a drop of tear fell out of his eyes and stained the bed sheet. _

_ “There is no other thing that I can say to you. I can only say I love you, Baekhyun.” _

_ He smiled. _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 25 _

_ “Chanyeol, do you want me to cook you some porridge?” _

_ “No, it’s okay, baby.” He responded. _

_ Baekhyun had appeared into the camera, looking very worried and sad. _

_ “But you are barely eating. Are you sure you are okay?” _

_ Chanyeol closed his eyes and nodded. He smiled when he felt Baekhyun’s hands trailed all over his face, checking every single corner. _

_ “You get so quiet these few days. I’m so worried about you, Chanyeol.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled, reopening his eyes. _

_ “I will feel better with a few sessions of cuddling.” _

_ Baekhyun had sighed and nodded. _

_ “Come here, you big baby.” _

_ Chanyeol leapt into his arms, smiling into his neck as he closed his eyes. Baekhyun had his arms all around him, hugging him tight. _

_ “Is there something that you want to tell me?” Baekhyun had asked. _

_ Chanyeol shook his head no. _

_ “You sure, Channie?” _

_ “Mmm.” _

_ “Why are you even wearing your snapback in the house, you silly giant.” Baekhyun had commented. _

_ Chanyeol grinned. _

_ “To look cool.” _

_ “You don’t have to look cool.” _

_ “You will look at the other if I don’t look cool.” _

_ “I won’t look at the others. I only look at you. My eyes are locked onto you only, Chanyeol.” Baekhyun had frowned at what he had just said. _

_ He grinned. _

_ “You do?” _

_ “I do.” Baekhyun had answered in a heartbeat. _

_ Chanyeol breathed in happiness before snuggling deeper into his neck. _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 26 _

_ “Chanyeol, get back here,” Baekhyun had whined with his sleepy voice. _

_ “I’m coming, baby, I’m coming.” _

_ Chanyeol joined him back into the bed, snuggling him under the thick covers. Baekhyun had wrapped his arms tightly around him. _

_ “What are you doing just now?” Baekhyun had asked. _

_ “I’m just… charging the camera.” _

_ “You have an unhealthy obsession with the camera. I swear.” Baekhyun had teased him. _

_ “I think I do.” _

_ “Unbelievable! What would you do if you were to choose between the camera and me? Who will you choose?” _

_ “It would be you, of course. I would choose you over everything.” _

_ “You don’t even think before answering it, Chanyeol.” _

_ “That is because I don’t have to think when the question is revolving you. You will always be my first choice.” _

_ Baekhyun had laughed. _

_ They said nothing for a moment. _

_ “This is so peaceful.” _

_ “Hey, Baekhyun?” _

_ “Mm?” _

_ “What would you do if this was just a dream?” _

_ “This? Us?” _

_ “Yeah. What would you do?” _

_ “I… wouldn’t want to wake up then.” Baekhyun had answered, voice faltering as sleep had come to him. _

_ Chanyeol locked his eyes on him. _

_ “Why wouldn’t you want to wake up?” _

_ “It was such a good dream. I would keep closing my eyes. I would keep holding onto your hand.” _

_ “And then?” _

_ “I would stay in your arms like this. Just like this. I wouldn’t want to wake up. I want to sleep forever.” _

_ “You do?” _

_ “Mm. You hold me when I have such hard times. You keep holding onto me, never even letting me go. I will do my best, just so you won’t think about going away from my dream.” _

_ Chanyeol sniffed. _

_ “Keep holding me like this, Chanyeol. This warm embrace of yours. I love it.” _

_ “If I go, would you miss me like I would miss you?” _

_ “I wouldn’t want you to go. I wouldn’t let you leave me. Hold me. Embrace me. If you go, I will cry. I can’t let you go.” _

_ “Baekhyun, what if I really have to go?” _

_ “My heart will be in pain. It will be hurting. But I will be very thankful. And I will tell you that I love you. And I will tell you that I am okay. So you won’t have to be worried about me. And then I will have to open my eyes. And then I have to wake up from that dream.” _

_ Chanyeol laughed, his voice cracked in his tears. _

_ Baekhyun had fallen asleep. _

_ Chanyeol nodded. _

_ “Of course. You will have to wake up. So I can go.”  _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 27 _

_ “Today, we go out for a date.” Chanyeol declared into the camera, as he held it up to show the beautiful scenery of the hill. _

_ Baekhyun had looked up into the camera, his hands had not stopped from unpacking the lunch boxes. He had smiled so brightly, that Chanyeol cooed at him. _

_ “And today, the weather is so nice!” Baekhyun had said in the recording, leaning closer to do a close up with the camera, resulting on Chanyeol to laugh. _

_ “Baekhyunnie here packed a lot of food. Let’s see,” Chanyeol recorded the trail of boxes being laid out on the cloth. _

_ “There are sandwiches. I see that sugary doughnuts! Baekhyun, you brought fruits too? You even peeled them!” _

_ Baekhyun had looked shy, fiddling with his fingers while avoiding the camera. Chanyeol chuckled. _

_ “You look so cute right now, baby. I can just kiss you.” _

_ Baekhyun had blushed. _

_ “What if people walk by?” _

_ “I don’t care. They can mind their own business.” _

_ He put down the camera, making sure that it kept recording before leaning fast to steal those lips into his own. Baekhyun had stifled a giggle before kissing him back. _

_ “Okay. Kissing in public doesn’t seem so bad.” Baekhyun had said, rubbing Chanyeol on his cheeks with his thumbs. _

_ Chanyeol smiled. _

_ “It’s okay, it’s love.” _

_ “Did you seriously just quote Kyungsoo’s favorite drama? Chanyeol, you are no fun!” _

_ Chanyeol laughed. _

_ He lied down onto the cloth and stared up onto the blue sky. _

_ “Come join me down here, baby.” _

_ Baekhyun had wasted no second before lying down very close to him. _

_ As they stared up onto the sky, Baekhyun had let out a long sigh. _

_ “What’s with that sigh, baby? Are you not enjoying yourself?” _

_ “No, I’m just… this feels so good. I feel so happy right now.” _

_ Chanyeol turned to stare at him. _

_ Baekhyun continued. _

_ “I just want to stay like this forever. With you, doing nothing, just relaxing without having to think about our life.” _

_ Chanyeol stayed silent. _

_ “I feel so happy right now, Chanyeol.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled. _

_ “Damn it. I get so emotional.” Baekhyun had whined. _

_ Chanyeol laughed at him, tenderly touching his cheek. Baekhyun turned to face him. _

_ “You look the most beautiful when you are happy, baby.” _

_ Baekhyun chuckled at his words, rolling his eyes. _

_ “Stop sprouting silly words and just kiss me again.” _

_ Chanyeol laughed. _

_ “As you wish.” _

  
  
  


_ 2015 09 28 _

_ “I smell something so good. What is going here?” _

_ Baekhyun had turned to him, smiling. _

_ “I cook.” _

_ “I can see that, baby. But what’s with such feast? Do we have guests coming over?” _

_ “No. It’s just you and me. Can’t I just cook great food for you?” Baekhyun had pouted. _

_ Chanyeol walked close to him. He kissed the pout away. _

_ “I will eat everything deliciously.” _

_ Baekhyun had beamed up and ushered him to sit down. _

_ Chanyeol recorded every single plate of dish while mentioning the name of the dishes. _

_ “I don’t know your skill has upgraded this much.” He commented as he ate slowly to savor every taste. _

_ Baekhyun shyly fiddled with his chopsticks. _

_ “Kyungsoo helped a lot.” _

_ “No wonder.” Chanyeol smiled. _

_ “Eat a lot, Chanyeol. Tell me which one that you like the most. I can cook it for you every day.” _

_ Chanyeol smiled bitterly. _

_ “I like everything you cook, Baekhyun. I like everything you do. How do I choose?” _

_ Baekhyun giggled softly. _

_ Chanyeol put down his chopsticks ad reached for the glass of water, but his fingers failed him and he dropped it down. The water spilled onto the table and Baekhyun looked up in surprise. _

_ “Chanyeol?” _

_ “I-I’m sorry, my hand, I’m just-” _

_ “Chanyeol! Your nose is bleeding!” Baekhyun’s alarmed voice rang as he stood up in panic. _

_ Chanyeol touched his nose and he scrambled to find any tissue. He lost his balance and fell onto the floor. Baekhyun gasped and crouched down to him. _

_ “C-Chanyeol!” _

_ There was no response and the only sound recorded was Baekhyun’s panic cries and frantic breathing. _

_ “K-Kyungsoo! I-I- Chan- I- we- Chanyeol fainted, what do I do, how- ambulance, I need-” _

  
  
  
  
  


As the television displays a grey color, it silently tells him that the recording he has been watching is finished. He takes one look into the box and finds the only thing remains in it is only one CD, lying still against the bottom of the brown box.

Baekhyun stares at the last CD. The date written on it is so familiar, as he could never forget it. As he holds onto the CD with weak fingers, Baekhyun realizes what that CD is. It is the last recording.

  
  
  
  
  


_ 2015 10 01 _

_ Chanyeol’s face came into the display, wearing hospital’s gown and a patient band around his wrist. _

_ His face was pale, his lips were pale, his eyes were dimmed, and his head no longer had any hair. _

_ He chuckled, looking down to inspect his body. _

 

_ “I look… unattractive. I know.” _

_ He touched his head gently, feeling the weird texture of no longer having any locks. _

_ “My head looks like a ball, don’t you think so?” He joked. _

_ Chanyeol fidgeted on top of the hospital bed, before he twisted his torso to grab his phone. _

_ “I have recorded the song I made last time. It’s only the melody because I haven’t gotten the chance to record my singing so we will stick to instrumental right now.” _

_ He played the melody and he glanced away. _

_ Chanyeol cleared his throat, before giving a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. _

 

_ “Umm… This is so awkward.” He laughed humorlessly. _

 

_ Then he looked straight into the camera. _

 

_ “Hello, Baekhyun. You are now watching the last recording that I can make before I die.” _

 

_ Chanyeol hummed silently, gathering himself. _

_ “This is going to be a long hell ride of recording though.” _

 

_ “So, as you have heard from the doctor, I guess, I’m sick. I… this is going to be a drama alike, but I’m suffering from leukemia. _

_ Around the mid of April, remember when I took a day off? Yes, that was the day, I had done my yearly health test and… the result was this. I was so surprised, of course. Shocked, even. _

_ I cried. I got angry. I got depressed. I wanted to curse. _

_ Why me? _

_ From so many people in the whole world… why me? _

 

_ But of course, no one can answer that for me. _

_ I seek for treatment, Baekhyun. I really did. I didn’t want to leave you alone.  _

_ There was just... no treatment for me. _

_ I’m suffering the last stage of my sickness, Baekhyun. There is nothing I can do. I can’t go against destiny. I would if I could. Just so I can be with you. _

_ So apparently, the time left for me was around six months or so. _

_ I don’t want to tell you. I don’t want to rob that happiness away from you. I’m truly sorry for that, you can hate me, curse me and all, but I’m not sorry of my selfish decision about keeping this a secret from you.  _

_ On the bright side, I can create so many memories that we usually ignore. Look at all those recordings. Such beautiful babies we can manage to save.  _

_ I want to treasure every second I have with you, Baekhyun. _

_ I don’t want to tell you about this just to have you weeping about my unfortunate life and looking at me with sorrowful smile as if I were to die at every second. No. I want to have you, the real you in my memory, the real you, the happy you, the you whom I love with all my heart as the last image in my mind. I don’t want to have your crying and weeping face as I die. _

 

_ Remember when we first met, Baekhyun? _

_ You asked me: why do my ears so big? _

_ I was offended, baby. You offended my most precious babies. I was proud with my ears, mind you. But as the time went by, you became so obsessive with my ears, even more than me. See? My ears have their own charm. _

_ And then I remember being a wrecked mess when I was about to confess. Gosh, it was so embarrassing. You kept laughing at me. How dare you, you little sneaky puppy. You had known that I wanted to confess yet you still went around playing dumb. Did you really like playing hard to get that much, huh? _

_ Oh! Remember when I met Kyungsoo for the first time? Oh my God, I really thought he was going to kill me. He had this gaze on me as if he was planning to murder me as much as I glanced away from him. He was so scary, even until now. I always wonder how you could be friends with him. _

_ And then, what else? We have so many things we did together, Baekhyun. I’m trying to find the best ones in my brain, wait a minute.” _

 

_ Chanyeol stayed silent for a moment, head bent down and hand gripping onto the hospital blanket. _

_ It took a whole before his shoulder shook and he looked up with tears brimming in his eyes. _

 

_ “I can no longer act as if nothing had happened, Baekhyun.” _

_ He sobbed, thin fingers clumsily wiping the tears away but to no avail they kept running down. _

_ “I just... just want you to be happy. Isn’t that enough?” He choked. _

_ Chanyeol sobbed hard, weeping sounds escaping his gritted teeth. _

_ “I want to be the person who can make you happy, bring a smile on your face, being the first person you see when you wake up in the morning and being the last person you see when you are going to sleep at night.” _

_ It was hard for him to say, because he was choking on every single word; the instrumental melody of his composed song was still running in repeat. _

 

_ “I... I see you smile. I see you cry. I see you in every moment you are doing for the past four years, Baekhyun and... and I’m confident to say that I’m proud of myself. I have managed to do everything in my way and power to keep the smile on your face. I-I am just so happy that I have never heard you complained about me. It means I do a great job...” _

_ He wiped the tears away. _

 

_ “You always say that you won’t look at anyone else. You always say that I am the most handsome person that you have ever met. And you also say that no one is as attractive as me. _

_ Do you still think that way, Baekhyun? _

_ When I am this messy? _

_ Wearing this hospital gown, having so hair on top of my head, looking so thin, unhealthy, and simply a walking skull? _

_ When I have that thick eye bags and deep dark circles? _

_ And when I bruise a lot and bleed so easily? _

_ Do you, Baekhyun?” _

 

_ He smiled, despite being so hard in keeping back his tears. _

 

_ “I want you to know that I, Park Chanyeol, have never ever loved someone as much as I love you. _

_ You stole my heart, Baekhyun. You stole it the moment you locked your eyes with mine. _

_ God. I have never felt this way before. You are the first to even have that impact on me, Byun Baekhyun. What kind of power do you have over me, I don’t even know myself. _

_ Just by a single look at your face, I can conclude that my day will be a good one. You have such special power over me. _

_ You have my whole heart, Baekhyun. You always have and you always will. I have yours, too, of course and I don’t plan to give it back. Selfish, I know. But I don’t think I will ever felt this loved if not by you. So I will keep your heart with me, don’t forgive me about that.” _

 

_ Chanyeol smiled. All pain and hurt were written on his face, yet he looked happy and relieved and satisfied at the same time. _

 

_ “Do you remember, baby, about what I asked you a few days ago? About what if this all was a dream? _

_ At first, I couldn’t find the answer from myself. What would I do if all of this, about us, about our happy time and relationship, was just a mere dream? _

_ Then I asked about it to you. After I heard your answer, I tried to see it from your point of view. _

 

_ And here is my answer. _

 

_ If everything was just a dream, _

_ Then I didn’t even want to wake up. This... I knew that it was just a dream. But what if I wouldn’t want to wake up? Just so that I could sleep forever? _

_ In this dream, you held onto me. You embraced me. Just like what you used to do. You comfort me, saying that ‘you have been through a lot’. _

_ You held my hand, saying ‘take a rest’. Your hand was still as warm as it used to be. _

_ I wanted to say: don’t leave me, stay with me, I won’t wake up, I won’t let you go, keep holding onto me like before. _

_ I wanted you to tell me: will you miss me as much as I will miss you? _

 

_ Then in this dream, you embraced me with a sympathetic smile.  _

_ You seemed sorry, as if you were saying ‘goodbye’. You also knew that this was a dream. _

_ I was just thankful that I could see you even like this. _

_ You embraced me again, as if saying ‘farewell’. _

_ I could just smile, even though I didn’t want to let you go like this.  _

_ You turned around. _

_ And I cried. I didn’t want to let you go. _

 

_ Then, _

_ I opened my eyes. My heart was still aching. _

_ I woke up from the dream. _

_ I just want to tell you, _

_ Thank you. _

_ And I love you. _

_ I’m alright now, so you don’t have to come back to my dream again.” _

 

_ Chanyeol sent a smile, a grateful one and a satisfied one. _

 

_ “Live your life, Baekhyun. Show me that you are the Baekhyun who I fell in love with. Show me that you can live without me. So that I can rest without having to worry about you.” _

 

_ He smiled, eyes squeezed on the corner while tears were streaming down his sunken cheeks. _

 

_ “This has been such a long and happy journey of my life. Thank you for everything, Byun Baekhyun. I am really happy, thankful, and grateful to have met you. Happy anniversary, baby. _

 

_ I love you. And it’s always you. _

 

_ Goodbye.” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The display is grey, showing that the recording has ended.

Baekhyun clutches his chest, gasping for air while crying in pain. 

The recording has ended, in such a painful yet beautiful way. He has almost hoped that there will be another recording to tell him that it has been a very entertaining joke for this long or maybe he kind of wishes to see Chanyeol popping out of nowhere while screaming a surprise and holding a bouquet of flowers like he used to do before.

His eyes keep pouring out tears, even more than the time of Chanyeol’s funeral. At the funeral, Baekhyun doesn’t think and doesn’t feel. He doesn’t even remember what has happened or how many people have come to show their condolence or how much people have sent their sad and concerned look at him.

He barely remembers his friends crying and hugging him. He doesn’t remember anything.

It is so unfair, that Chanyeol has left him such a beautiful present for their anniversary while Baekhyun has given him nothing. He doesn’t even realize that he was sick; he doesn’t know that he was suffering.

With those recording of memories, it is like Chanyeol is bringing him back to their old times where there is no sickness or deathbed waiting for them. It is like he is bringing them back to reminisce their old good times when they are in love and free of burdens.

He chokes on his tears, lungs fighting for air and fist hitting his chest because it hurts. It hurts really badly there. 

A pained sound of cry escapes out of his mouth as Baekhyun grits his teeth, cursing and at the same time missing him so much.

  
  
  


Chanyeol. You are so cruel. 

You give such a beautiful present, the best present ever.

But then again, you are so lovely.

You have Baekhyun in your mind for all the time.

Even until the very second you breathed your last breathe.

  
  


Baekhyun curls on the bed, hoodie clutched in between his fingers and TV still buzzing in grey.

His head pounds and his breathe comes out in short gasps. His heart beats so painfully quick and his stomach twists so weirdly. His chest churns in sadness and his eyes throb from crying.

  
  


As he glances to where the photo frame is placed on top of the dresser, the picture of them hugging and smiling on their date a few years ago, Baekhyun sniffs.

He smiles weakly, eyes locked onto Chanyeol’s laughing face.

  
  
  


“Happy anniversary, Chanyeol-ah.

 

I love you.

It has always been you, it will always be you, and it will forever be you.

It’s always you.

Goodbye.”

 


End file.
